Letter to America

One of my lasting childhood memories is of a family Christmas dinner at my grandparents’ in Baltimore. I was around ten at the time. My grandfather was telling a humorous story referring to blacks using derogatory terms that angered my father to the point that he threatened to take us children away and never return to visit if my grandfather continued to use such language in front of us. With her usual southern charm, my grandmother stepped in to call the two men to task: their argument was ruining our lovely family dinner and she would not have it.

I am sure many Americans have stories of family disagreements reflecting different generations and different beliefs, be they political, religious, cultural or economic. With freedom of speech deeply embedded in our Constitution, it’s not surprising. What does surprise me, however, is the level of hostility and disrespect in public discourse these days. There is no longer a Grandmother Conscience calling for civility.

I am both American and an outsider. I’ve lived in the US half my life and outside it for half my life. All my family are American and they comprise views from the left through to the right. Looking from the outside in, I feel that I am seeing two family members or friends arguing, ridiculing, throwing punches to such an extent that they get to the point of no return which means their relationship can’t be repaired. Neither can forgive the other; they can’t overcome the hurt that happened in the argument. It’s as if my grandmother had not been there and my father had walked out of my grandparents’ house that Christmas, taking us children with him, vying never to return. The story is a common one and has been told and retold in countless forms from King Lear to Death of a Salesman. It is one that is as old perhaps as the human psyche. And it lies at the heart of many civil wars, including ours. Brother fighting brother.

People from other countries often comment when I bring up American politics that our president was elected by the American people. We got what we wanted. Thinking about this, I disagree. America created Trump. He is a product of our making; he is the embodiment of our giant corporate-capitalist-consumerist Machine. And this economic Machine has a narcissistic personality disorder. Here are the signs and symptoms of this disorder (as described in helpguide.org):

1. Grandiose sense of self-importance
2. Lives in a fantasy world that supports that belief of self-importance
3. Needs constant praise and admiration
4. Sense of entitlement
5. Exploits others without guilt or shame
6. Frequently demeans, intimidates, bullies or belittles 

Put the analogy into context and you have a capitalist-corporate-consumerist Machine that thinks it is so great that it won’t change even when it is the source of an economic collapse (such as during the banking crisis). Instead it blames others like Arabs or France or China. Its lack of empathy and consideration allows it to exploit situations to the detriment of its workers such as during this pandemic in which, even with government loans and aid, this Machine has laid off millions of people. It frequently intimidates politicians (euphemistically called lobbying) because it feels entitled to continue to make huge profits which it claims keep the economy running. It belittles, bullies, and demeans any media, country or alternative economic-political structure which calls it into question. And we feed it constant praise and admiration, living in fear and trembling lest this fantasy world collapse and we are left without our oil and our Amazon, our CNN and Fox News, our Starbucks and McDonalds. I am not talking about people from a particular political party, I’m talking about all of us because we have all bought into this. It is built on the American Dream.

By now you have either gone quiet, thinking, or you’re already shooting holes because I am calling into question this world that we have taken for granted because it supports us. It feeds and clothes us. And I am calling into question those beliefs that help the Machine grow more powerful every day no matter what crisis rocks the world. So let’s take a step back.

There have been several instances in my life where I have had to deal with difficult, very difficult people who were mentally ill with a personality disorder. What is tricky about dealing with someone who has a mental illness is that one has to be both firm and clear in terms of inappropriate, hurtful behaviour and empathetic in terms of the illness that underlies that behaviour.

One situation had to do with the partner of a family member. This partner whom I shall call R, a very intelligent person with a quirky sense of humour, has compulsive hoarding disorder which not only filled the house with all manner of books but also with rotting food, and any attempt at dealing with the detritus led to vehement reactions and cutting remarks. Getting to the point of moving R out of the house took a long time and involved learning as much as possible about the illness and how best to work with it.

The other situation had to do with a boss who had bipolar disorder which affected all the staff and the clients. The boss’s brilliant vision and enthusiastic support for cutting-edge techniques was offset by sudden vicious attacks, bullying, belittling and fragmented spending. The staff took to ‘reading’ the boss’s mood and trying to avoid him as much as possible on bad days. However, his pathology led to a high turn-over and, ultimately, the business failed. What helped me in my two years there was understanding that his problem was based in a complex personality disorder over which he had little, if any, control, and finding strategies to safeguard myself.

Just like the child of someone with a mental illness, our government (and that includes all our presidents and politicians) is beholden to this Machine and as long as we focus on belittling and demeaning each other through making fun of Trump or ranting against one media ‘lie’ or another, defending one conspiracy theory or another, we are missing the point. We need fundamental change and it’s not going to happen easily.

Where do we start? Let’s start with kindness. Let’s start with empathy. Let’s start by owning our part in exacerbating the hostility that seems to be increasing every day and turning our efforts towards finding those who need our help. Yes, the Machine is maddening and destructive just like a person with narcissistic personality order. We are living with it in our homes. How do you deal with someone with mental illness? Do you make fun of them or cower in their shadow? Neither. Each person has to find her own strategy which involves a fine balance between compassionate understanding and firm resolve in finding common ground and a way forward.

Then maybe we can get up from the schoolyard, dust ourselves off, shake hands. Then maybe we can find what we agree on rather than what we don’t. We need to focus on developing a shared vision of what we are for rather than what we’re against.

I know I’m a hopeless idealist (hopeless meaning both incurable and desperate). My voice feels very small. But is it possible that we can come together with a shared vision that will transform our society towards a more equitable, sustainable, and kinder America? Is it? Can we at least try?

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

Martin Luther King Jr